Pregnancy and Infant Loss: The Power of Community

Chana Topek Diamond
Oct 13
3 min read

group therapy for pregnancy and infant loss-hands in center circle — **Group therapy support is powerful for transforming grief.**

Silence. Shame. Frustration. Secrecy. Stuck. Lonely. Isolation.

These are some of the words selected by the brave women who recently joined our Pregnancy Loss Group when I asked, “what are the feelings you hold when thinking about your loss?”

When I followed up with, “why are you joining us tonight?” everyone had the same answer: community.

Working with and supporting people who have suffered through a pregnancy loss (or losses) is some of the most profound work I do as a therapist at HHP. One of the hardest parts is when someone says, “I don't think anyone else feels this way " or, “I don’t know anyone else who went through this” because I hear these stories all the time and I know for certain that they are not alone and not the only one feeling this way. Sometimes I imagine connecting all the boxes on my screen. Saying, “hold on!” and then conference calling the person I met with last week into the current session so they could hear from someone else that they feel the exact same way. That is what the first group session felt like.

Statistics tell us that 10-20% of all pregnancies result in a miscarriage, which is defined as the loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks. 80% of these losses happen before 12 weeks.

3-4% of all pregnancies result in a late-term miscarriage, which is a loss after 12 weeks, or in the second trimester.

3-4% of all pregnancies are diagnosed with a major congenital fetal abnormality which often results in a termination for medical reasons, or TFMR, however the data on this is limited.

What do I know for sure as a perinatal psychotherapist? Pregnancy loss impacts everyone. It is an invisible wound that does not receive the time, attention and support that it deserves. Pregnancy loss yields grief.

As my courageous clients and group members share, it is not only the grief of the pregnancy that was lost but everything that surrounded it. There are the details - due date, gender reveal planned for weeks, images of spring walks with a newborn, being pregnant at the same time as a friend, the planned age gap between children. The grief can feel large and overwhelming. As I often describe to clients, after a first pregnancy loss, the bubble has burst and future pregnancies might no longer be simply joyous, hopeful experiences but rather tinged with worry, trepidation and concern. This grief is also unseen, invisible or ignored. Clinically, it is called disenfranchised grief which is described as grief that is not socially validated or mourned. Simply, the world does not see or acknowledge your loss yet you feel it, deeply.

At the first session of our pregnancy loss group everyone cried. Each individual recounted their personal experience of loss, whether many months ago or recently, an early term loss or later in the pregnancy, the pain was palpable. And also, everyone smiled. Every time someone spoke, I looked at my screen and saw nods in agreement, eyes filled with compassion and at the end of the hour, people shared how they finally felt seen. I shared with them how powerful it was for me as a therapist to finally see all their faces in one space, on that imagined conference call, sharing their stories, and tears.

The community that they longed for, they had found. The pain, though heart wrenching, was validated and shared and they could see the reflection of tears alongside smiles in their fellow group members.

This is why I ran this group. This is why Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month exists. This is why we dedicated our garden at the Bethpage office to the memory of all the pregnancies and babies who have been lost. The grief of pregnancy loss cannot be erased or solved. It will permeate well past October, as lost due dates approach, new pregnancies are announced and life carries on without the future that was once imagined. Community and support walks alongside this grief though, holding us at moments when it’s too much to hold alone and seeing the grief and pain when it feels invisible. We are here to hold you.

Looking for support? Join our Pregnancy Loss group or call for more information.