Holiday Survival Tips When You Are TTC (Trying to Conceive)
- Pauline Walfisch, LCSW-R, PMH-C
- 7 days ago
- 3 min read
A guide for those impacted by pregnancy loss or infertility- and those who love them.
The holidays have a way of magnifying everything—joy, connection, expectations…and pain. For many people trying to conceive (TTC), the season brings quiet grief that rarely gets named out loud.
The stories sound like this:
It’s been months (or years), and I really thought I’d be announcing a pregnancy by now.
I’m miscarrying a pregnancy right now. No one knows. I still have to show up and smile.
My baby was supposed to be in the family photo this year.
I don't know if I can handle watching my mom coo over the new baby in the family.
I’m terrified my sister or cousin will announce their pregnancy—and I won’t be able to hold it together.
How am I supposed to answer when they ask when we’re having a baby? I remember these stories.
The pain. The fear. The shame. The grief. The confusion that clouds what’s supposed to be a “joyful” season.
We don’t talk about this enough—but 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, and 1 in 6 couples experience infertility. That means the odds are high that you or someone you love is carrying this kind of pain quietly.
And during the holidays, that silence can feel especially heavy.
Five Tips If You Are TTC
1. Decide what you will—and won’t—participate in.
You are allowed to skip events, leave early, or say no altogether. Protecting your emotional energy is not selfish; it’s self-care.
2. Prepare an answer (or two). It’s likely someone will say something about it. Having a rehearsed response can reduce anxiety when questions come up. Like a tool you can whip out of your tool belt at just the right moment. Examples:
“We’re taking things one step at a time.”
“That’s something we’re keeping private right now.”
“We’ll share updates if and when there’s news.”
You don’t owe anyone details.
3. Give yourself permission to feel both joy and grief.
You can love your family and feel devastated. You can be happy for others and deeply sad for yourself. These emotions can coexist.
4. Identify one safe person.
Choose someone you trust—a partner, friend, family member, or therapist—who knows what you’re going through. You don’t have to carry this alone, even if you’re not ready to tell everyone.
5. Plan your exit strategy and grounding tools. Step outside. Take a break. Go to the bathroom and do your favorite breathing exercise. Keep something grounding in your pocket. You are allowed to tend to yourself in real time. If your safe person will be there, enlist them in your exit strategy. Prepare ahead for how long you will stay, and how you will communicate its time to go.
Five Tips If Someone You Love Is TTC (or Might Be)
1. Don’t ask questions that might require emotional labor.
Questions like “Any news?” or “When are you going to...?” may feel harmless—but they often land painfully. You don’t know what someone is going through. If someone wants to share, they will. If they aren't sharing, assume they don't want to talk about it.
2. Follow their lead.
Some people want distraction. Some want acknowledgement. Some want space. Let them set the tone. Understand that it may change from moment to moment. If you aren't sure, it's ok to ask.
Try:
“I’m here for you, how can I help today?”
“I’m down to go for a walk whenever you need, just give me a sign and I’m there”
“Hugs or space?”
3. Avoid silver linings and platitudes. Phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “Your time will come” can unintentionally minimize real grief. Resist the urge to try and say something to make it better. You can't.
4. Be mindful with announcements.
If possible, consider sharing big news privately first—by text or a call with a heads-up. Doing this allows your loved one to process it without an audience.
5. Say the simple, honest thing. You don’t need the perfect words.
Try:
“I’m really glad you told me.”
“I can’t imagine how hard this is.”
“I’m here, however you need.”
If the holidays feel heavy this year, please know this: You are not broken. You are not behind. And you are not alone.
There is space for your grief—even during a season that insists on cheer.
If you are looking for extra support this holiday season, Helping Hands Psychotherapy offers a drop-in Grief and Loss Support group every Tuesday at 1p.m. Also, check out our website for groups forming in the new year including support for infertility, loss.
We have groups available for pregnancy loss, infertility, and secondary infertility.
You can also download our free pregnancy & infant loss workbook here on our loss support page.
Are you a provider looking to expand your skillset? Check out this free training.
Comments