Kicking the Stroller and Other Guilty ThoughTs (A post on mental health &infertility)

The thoughts that come to you during your every day life can sometimes surprise you.

“I’m so angry, and everywhere I look I see pregnant bellies and women pushing strollers.  Sometimes, I just want to kick the stroller.”  Have you ever had a thought like this?  If so, you are not alone.  I remember so many stories that start out like this.   The emotional toll of infertility is so strong it can overwhelm your ability to cope.  So many thoughts go through your mind: "I don't ever want to see another pregnant person" ,"I don't want to talk to my best friend anymore", "I don't want to meet their new baby". Comments like these are often followed by:  “What's wrong with me?” “ I’m so ashamed”, “You must think I’m a terrible person” or “I promise I am a good person”.  Often, I’ll hear their truth: “I’m really happy for them, I’m just so sad for me”

In April, we bring attention to infertility.  And I want to bring attention to the emotional toll of infertility.  Not just the medical toll or the financial toll, but the toll on your relationships, the toll on your spiritual beliefs, and the toll on the relationship with yourself.  During National Infertility Awareness Week , advocates like OBGYNs, reproductive endocrinologists, fertility and adoption lawyers, sperm donor banks, therapists and infertility survivors join together.  We share stories of the 1 in 6 couples globally who are impacted by infertility.  You read that right.  1 in 6 couples.  That's a lot of people!  Chances are you know someone right now who is experiencing infertility.  Maybe that someone is you.

Did you know that research shows that the stress level for women experiencing infertility is comparable to those going through cancer treatment?  This journey is no joke! This is not a quick doctor’s visit, it's not a fun romp in bed.  It is an ongoing, traumatic, and stressful experience.

Month after month you are doing everything you can to try and get pregnant, only to wait powerlessly to find out that another month has passed without that 2nd pink line.  Maybe you are waking up early to go for treatments, showing up for your bloodwork and sonogram as you prepare for  IUI or IVF. You are sad, you are alone, you are ashamed.  You feel invisible.  No one can see your pain.  You are too ashamed to tell even your closest friends.  And you are even more afraid that every time you speak to them they might tell you that they are pregnant.

So you hide.  You withdraw.  You retreat. 

You feel like a bad friend.

You are not a bad friend.

This is survival!

You are surviving! 

And you need to take care of YOU.

Self-care is not selfish.  We have all heard that. But do you believe it?  You might be telling yourself that it is selfish because you “should” be there for someone else.  Because you “should” be able to “just be happy for someone else.”

So let’s redefine self care.

I want you to think of self-care as emotional maintenance.  It's how you will keep YOU strong enough to weather the ups and downs, and the emotional tolls of a journey through infertility.

What does your system need to keep going?  If that’s a bubble bath for you- then go for it.  Maybe it’s a run, maybe it’s writing a poem, and maybe curling up with a new soft blanket and watching horror movies with someone special.

Here are some other practical ways that you can practice self-care in the context of infertility for good mental health.

1. Say no.  It is OK to politely decline baby centered invitations.

   
   

2. Say yes to activities that don't typically involve babies or children (late night movies, fancy restaurants, Broadway shows, comedy clubs, adult only resorts).

   
   

3. Find peer support. Remember that 1 in 6 statistic?  You are not alone.  If you don't know anyone personally, join a Resolve support group, an online community or a local meet-up.

   
   

4. Accept professional help.  Sometimes you need to create space for your grief, your sadness, your anger, your rage.  Finding a therapist who specializes in reproductive mental health can help you to process these feelings and learn healthy skills to manage your emotions.

   
   

5. Reconnect with your partner.  Plan a date night.  One without any infertility talk!

   
   

6. Set boundaries.  With others and with yourself.  Set limits on how much of your time you spend talking about (or researching about) your infertility.  That means limiting social media too.

   
   

7. Engage in mind-body practices like yoga or breathwork.

   
   

8. Get loud.  If you are up for it… advocate and join advocacy efforts.  If that seems like too much right now, that's OK- there will be time later.

   
   

9. Honor your limits.  If you don't honor them, no one else will either.  Trust yourself to know when you have had enough.

   
   

10. Take a time out- give yourself permission to pause.

    
    

11. Let your friends and family know what you need.  They want to help.  They honestly don't know how.  I bet you are realizing you don't even know how.  Think about what you want and let them know that. For example, “This is hard, I like to be thought of, but please don't ask for updates.  When I have news to share you will know."

    
    

Self-care is about self-compassion.

So please, give yourself a big warm hug.  This is hard.  And you are not alone.

Have hope!  You will find your resolution.

Then, repeat after me:

“I am whole, even in the face of uncertainty. My worth is not defined by my fertility.”

Resources:

Call us for individual and group therapy options related to fertility.

www.hhptherapy.com

For RESOLVE- The National Infertility Associations Support & Advocacy community

www.resolve.org

For ASRM- American Society of Reproductive Medicine- provider information and resources

www.asrm.org