Pauline (00:44)

Hello listeners and welcome back. I'm Pauline Walfisch and I am here with my faithful co-host, Megan Nelson today on the What No Mom Told You podcast. Megan, I am going to turn it over to you to introduce our guest today who's pretty special person. So I'm going to let you do the honors.

Megan (01:03)

Hi everybody. Thanks Pauline. So today we're really lucky we have Kim Vasquez who is one of our incredible administrative assistants at Helping Hand Psychotherapy.

She holds a bachelor degree in psychology from CUNY Queens College and is currently pursuing her master's in social work at Stony Brook University. And today she's here to talk about growing up with a mom who is deaf and blind. Kim, thank you for doing this. Thank you for being here.

Pauline (01:27)

Be well.

Kim Vasquez (01:38)

Thank you

for having me.

Megan (01:39)

What's it like being on this side of the camera? Because usually you're setting us up on the other side of the camera.

Kim Vasquez (01:46)

It's definitely weird. New experiences, but also not so new to me.

Megan (01:50)

So Kim also does the social, she's what gets the podcast to everybody. She's the glue that holds it together.

Pauline (01:58)

That's right. And Kim is a very special guest for me because I have had the privilege of knowing Kim since she was a teenager. And I am going to try to get through this podcast without crying, but I'm making no promises. So if you're listening and you're excited about the idea of me being a blubbering mess, stay tuned. But, you know, I met Kim when she was in high school and was

friends with my son and got to know her over the years and it wasn't right away that I realized that she was the child of the woman I would see in the neighborhood walking her younger child to get to school with her service dog. And when I realized I was like, my gosh, that's...

that's who Kim's mom is. And then I didn't know until sometime even after that, that not only was Kim's mom blind, but she was also deaf. And...

That just amazed me of how strong and resilient this mom was. And also what an amazing daughter that she raised. So I'm super excited to have Kim here today to talk about her experience. Because I know that that's been a part of her identity and how she became the like...

incredible person that she is today and I know it but like being able to hear her talk about it is is really a gift so I'm gonna try not to cry so she doesn't cry but there's

Megan (03:31)

You're doing great.

So Kim.

How, when did you know, okay, there's something unique about my family?

Kim Vasquez (03:40)

So it wasn't until... I have a vivid memory of when it really clicked for me. I think I was like five and me my mom were on our way to the mall or something in Queens. And so we on the subway and I'm just talking to her. My mom's very vocal. She doesn't care about not sounding like everyone else around her. So she was just talking and we were talking in sign language and then I looked around and I noticed that everybody was staring at us.

And I was kind of just like, hmm, what's going on? And so I told my mom, was like, people are staring and she goes, so what? And I was like, yeah, you're right. So we just kept on with our conversation. But it was like that moment where I kind of realized like, yeah, maybe this isn't the norm. Maybe it's a little different because within my family and I didn't really like have a lot of play dates with people. I was mostly just around my cousins and my family were very family oriented. So I didn't know that it was any different until

that moment. That's my earliest memory at least.

Pauline (04:29)

So your mom has been deaf your entire life?

Kim Vasquez (04:34)

Yes. Yeah. And then the blindness came when I was, it was progressive. So she was losing her vision by the time like she had given birth to me or she was pregnant with me. And then about when my sister was born is when it was really, really progressing. So this was what? 2010. She started going to like the Helen Keller National Center in Sands Point.

which is a great nonprofit. And they like kind of give it to the resources, the technology to basically adapt to being blind. And it's gotten worse and worse over the years. And now she kind of has maybe 10 % of her vision left. And it's very, it's like she has retinitis pigmentosa. So it's like, I believe it's additional pigment in the retina.

And so she has very centralized vision or like pinhole vision. So I think from when she got tested in Boston recently, she only has like vision in like the corner of her eye now. And everything else is pretty much not like dark. Like I feel like there's that stereotype that blind people just cannot see anything. Yeah. But it's just like, it's very cloudy and blurry.

Megan (05:35)

admit that it's blackness, right?

Mm-hmm. I think that's so important to bring up. My grandfather went blind in his 50s, I believe.

And again, it wasn't this, you don't go black. It's losing clarity and then losing perception, like depth perception, and then being able, so he could read the newspaper one letter at a time using special glasses, or I guess like a scope or something. But it's blindness, right? Just not how people think of it traditionally.

So what kind of adaptations did your mom use when blindness also started affecting her?

Kim Vasquez (06:18)

So she started using, well at first she got a guide dog, which was my little dog, Robie, so unfortunately passed away since 2021.

Pauline (06:25)

not a little dog.

Kim Vasquez (06:27)

Little to me. He was a Doberman Pinscher. Super sweet, super smart, incredible dog. He worked for pretty much almost his entire life. So I think that was about 10 years, 11 years, I think 10 years. then by the 11th year, he was kind of just like retired.

Pauline (06:27)

Let's just be clear. What kind of dog was he?

Megan (06:29)

know saying.

Kim Vasquez (06:47)

But my mom basically flew, I think, I don't know if it was the school, but she flew to Pilot Dogs in Ohio and they like, also a nonprofit, they trained her, they trained the dog and she was able to come home and then she was able to take my sister to school. I think at that point I was already going to school by myself. Yeah. And he was just like always around. was very smart. Every time he heard her coming down the stairs or like coming around.

He would like no one to move out of the way. like, if she needed help with anything, he would just be there. So that was kind of like one of our first resources. And then I also remember just like simple things that the school would provide, which was they have this like little tool that you basically put on the edge of cups. And then when you fill up the cup and it hits like the metal part, the metal piece of it, it would start vibrating. And so that signals them to stop.

Another tool my mom uses is like an alarm clock that vibrates. And now, this one's really cool. I'm pretty sure it's new. It has to be new. But it's a device. It's kind of like a keyboard. It connects to the phone, to the laptop, to some other device. And on it, it has these pins. And depending on where you select on the phone, it

puts the pins up to create braille. And so she's able to read her phone that way and like type and do whatever she needs to do.

Megan (07:56)

that's so cool.

Pauline (07:57)

Yeah, I mean, her mom is like my superhero. Like this girl, Kim, comes in with leftovers for dinner, for lunch every day, because her mom cooks dinner every day. Like never lets any of this get in her way. She's a bodybuilder. She's won competitions. Like she is fierce and like an amazing mom.

Megan (08:21)

and travels the world apparently, right? I just saw.

Kim Vasquez (08:24)

Yes. my God.

That was, that was a great trip. My mom's been dreaming to go to Greece. And so me and my dad decided let's make it happen for her 50th and got a travel agent, thanks to Pauline. And she got like the most accommodating experiences that she could have, like anything that kind of triggered senses of taste, smell, touch. She got to go and touch the Acropolis.

And we went to a textual museum. And so there was like replicas of famous statues and artworks that she was able to actually touch and feel. So those kind of things really just like enhance the experience for her because she was actually able to experience it. And there's so much more to travel than just seeing.

Pauline (09:02)

Yeah.

Yes, I'm quite familiar with tasting. And I know you did plenty of that too.

Kim Vasquez (09:12)

Yeah, that was, food was amazing.

Pauline (09:14)

So Kim, back up a little bit because before your mom lost her sight completely or mostly, she has been deaf your whole life. And so I think a lot of people have missed ideas about...

what deaf parents can and cannot do with their infants or young children. So do you remember how, I mean, I know you were a baby, so there, you may not have complete memories of that, but you were around, you were a little older when your sister was born. You're like seven years apart, eight. So what was that like being a deaf parent?

Kim Vasquez (09:52)

So to me, everything just, she was just like any other mom. Like she cooks, cleans. She would take care of me. The only difference was growing up, I had to be the translator. And so whenever we were out in public, going to the store, grocery store, the mall, I'd always have to translate everything. And one thing that I always noticed was that people would

talk to me rather than talk to her and then just hear me like speaking for her. And anything I would say is what she was saying. So it's better when people directly talk to my mom rather than talking through me. Cause then it doesn't, it gives that sense of just like, you know, this person is not a person, but everything that is coming out of me is her.

Pauline (10:32)

And that's good for anybody listening, whether you're translating a language or sign language, look and talk to the person you're talking to.

What about did her lack of hearing impact the way she cared for you or your sister?

Kim Vasquez (10:47)

I don't think so. In fact, I feel like it gave us more of an advantage because we were able to learn sign language at such a young age. And so we were able to communicate at a young age before we could even talk. And it gave me that upper hand in being able to learn, I think languages in general, because I'm just able to kind of grasp it a little more. And I'm able to connect with more people.

Pauline (10:58)

Mm-hmm.

Kim Vasquez (11:12)

and

I I don't know, like, know with like, everything just felt very normal to me for a very long time. And then it would only just seem like out of place whenever I would tell someone, yeah, my mom's deaf and blind. And they'd be like, wait, what? Or they'd be like, I'm so sorry. And I'm like, why are you sorry? I feel like this is just like me. And this is just our family. It's just different than others.

Pauline (11:31)

Yeah.

Megan (11:31)

I work with someone who has special needs for a couple of different areas. She has autism, but she's also deaf and has an implant. And she talks a lot about the challenge of people not communicating effectively with her, looking her in the face.

using hand signals. Many of, most of her family members did not learn sign language, so she didn't learn sign language until she was in high school. And so, I mean, guess, how do you think we as, when we learn that people have, are deaf, that also doesn't always mean like they can't hear anything. Sometimes they have implants or sometimes they read lips. So what have you,

you tell people is really helpful when communicating with someone who is deaf?

Kim Vasquez (12:22)

I mean, like I mentioned before, talking to them directly. and I feel like trying, really just trying your best to understand what they're trying to say, either whether it's getting a pen and paper and them writing it down or, you know, just trying to, I feel like some people know a little bit of sign language. So even just like giving that kind of display could also be helpful.

Pauline (12:39)

people who say like maybe mean things like how would how would she know that the baby was crying or like did you or your sister cry

Kim Vasquez (12:48)

Yeah, so actually there is a device that can sense crying or like noise and it would start vibrating the bed. It would be connected to the bed. And so anytime I would start crying, she would wake up. But I my mom had a lot of anxiety when I was first born because she was very fearful that she wouldn't hear, like she wouldn't sense me crying. And so very often I would co-sleep with them. I would be in the bed with my mom and she would just like...

constantly have me next to her because she was so afraid that she wouldn't be able to tend to my needs. But they do have that device now and that has been very helpful. They use that device with my sister.

Pauline (13:21)

Yeah. And I feel like hearing parents have the same anxiety, right? Like I'm going to fall asleep so deeply. I'm not going to, I'm not going to listen to, I'm not going to be able to hear the baby cry, right? Like obviously, like she legitimately could not hear, but I think that anxiety is also probably like new mom anxiety.

Kim Vasquez (13:43)

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Megan (13:45)

And when you lose a sense or have a diminished sense, then other senses get heightened. And I imagine that really was helpful with a new baby. mean, obviously, it wasn't you, it was your mom, and I don't know how much she's talked about that. But I imagine the other senses are strong and powerful in that regard.

Kim Vasquez (14:07)

Absolutely.

She has a keen sense of smell. So if I needed a bath or I needed a diaper change, she was immediately on that.

And even like now, if I'm like making something in the middle of the night, she'll text me and be like, what are you making? She'll smell it from upstairs.

Pauline (14:19)

How does she text you?

Kim Vasquez (14:20)

So she has a little bit of vision and sometimes like if you ever see her, like she'll be like texting, she'll like hold the phone at an angle at the only part that she can really see from. And she wears reading glasses. So it's a very low prescription and it kind of helps. It doesn't fully help, but it's just, it's helping that small part of her that she still can see through. And so it's very slow and sometimes it doesn't make sense, but you know, we decipher it.

Pauline (14:46)

Yeah. So the other thing that I know just from from knowing you, right? So she was deaf your whole life. Lots of people in her family sign. Right. You all learned, I guess, American Sign Language when she was deaf. And then. When somebody who's deaf also loses their vision.

They can't see you signing clearly. So how do you communicate with her now?

Kim Vasquez (15:13)

So we communicate through tactile sign language. And what that means is basically you're kind of just doing regular ASL or signed exec English. And she's just like holding her hand and kind of just feeling the signs. You mentioning that like a lot of people in the family sign actually brought up the point I was gonna make before. And it's the fact that a lot of my family don't actually know sign language. Mostly like my mom's cousins learned.

But my grandparents don't know. They know very little signs. so growing up, it was very hard for her to communicate. And she was like put into different schools. Like one school was lip reading and then she was like, this just isn't working. So then they put her into an all deaf school. So then that's when she, so she learned ASL much later than expected.

Pauline (15:55)

She was deaf from birth or no?

Kim Vasquez (15:58)

Yes,

that's what we suspect.

Yeah.

Megan (16:00)

How do you think being a child of a deaf and blind mom has informed how you see the world?

Kim Vasquez (16:07)

I'm very aware of how rude people can be and the stereotypes that people can come up with. know growing up people would be like, I would like tell them, yeah, like my mom would, my mom used to drive before I was, before I was born. She used to just be able to drive and they were like, how if she's deaf? And I'm like,

Pauline (16:13)

Thank

Kim Vasquez (16:22)

the deafness doesn't really affect seeing. And even like her being blind, a lot of people will either make comments or like I just hear things, I see the way people react to things and it's always just been like never sat with me well. Or then there was the other thing where it's like, I'm so sorry.

Megan (16:37)

And it sounds like, I mean, I don't know your mom, but it sounds like she's an incredible, fierce person.

Kim Vasquez (16:37)

yeah.

Yeah, she doesn't let her disabilities hinder her from doing all the things that she wants to do.

Megan (16:49)

when actually maybe she should be pitying other people for having like a lack of awareness and you know, courage and tenacity and really resilience that she has.

Kim Vasquez (16:52)

No.

Megan (17:02)

So Kim, did you feel different from the other kids when you were growing up?

Kim Vasquez (17:11)

So growing up, I didn't really feel too different. I knew I had this difference and my family did not look the same as others. But looking back on it, I noticed that I did have a lot more responsibilities than most people. And it really led into me being more independent.

I kind of had to push forward for myself. And I didn't have that like, you know, soccer mom or anything that everyone else may have had

Megan (17:36)

Were there

any moments that were like difficult that you might have felt resentful or anything like that?

Kim Vasquez (17:43)

I would say in terms of like extracurriculars, I wasn't really able to do as many extracurriculars as all of my other peers because, you know, I would have to rely on other people outside of my family home. So I wasn't able to do as many extracurriculars, but that also left me more time.

to just study

Kim Vasquez (18:03)

And I think it leads into a lot of like me going into social work too, because from a young age, I was advocating for her and always being that person that kind of fought for her. and so I think it really led me to where I am now, just in the sense of like, I want to be able to look out for these marginalized communities and be the voice that they need.

Pauline (18:23)

Here's where I cry. Kim was going to school to be a pharmacist. I mean, we love a pharmacist, but also.

Megan (18:24)

You

Kim Vasquez (18:24)

Yeah.

Megan (18:27)

So,

And also thank God you didn't.

Kim Vasquez (18:35)

Hahaha

Megan (18:35)

We need your empathy.

Kim Vasquez (18:37)

Yeah, think that's why I'm a very empathetic person too, because I just, I know what it's like to be in situations that may seem difficult. And I also wish I was able to connect to more CODAs, which are Child of Deaf Adults, and build that community for myself. But I didn't really have the resources at the age I was and all my mom's friends, like everybody was at different ages and stages of life. So was...

Megan (18:44)

you

Kim Vasquez (18:58)

different, if I could have done anything when I was younger, it would have been to try and get more friends who had families that looked like mine.

Pauline (19:07)

Yeah, it's what we talk about all the time, right? Like finding your community and the people that share your lived experience. Would you say now that your mom was a good mom?

Kim Vasquez (19:21)

Absolutely. She was great. She played with us. you know, raised me to be super. Yes. Yeah. Absolutely. I, although I had to, you know, grow up at a kind of young age and become independent quicker than most, I was able to just, you know, have a mom. She was always there. She was stay at home mom. She wasn't working.

Pauline (19:24)

I mean, she still is, yeah, But like growing up, I meant.

Megan (19:26)

She still is a mom.

Kim Vasquez (19:43)

So her full-time job was raising me and my sister. And now that we're older, she's finally pursuing her own things. She's going back into the working field and learning to navigate life on her own.

Pauline (19:53)

incredible.

She's, like I said, I had always seen her around the neighborhood, saw her walking your sister to school every day. I was always like, I've never seen a Doberman Pinscher as a service dog. like, how bad ass is that? Like I'm not going anywhere near her. not, not because I was afraid of her, but because like, I was like, that dog is protecting her. Like how amazing is that?

Megan (20:17)

Is that unusual for a doberman to be a service dog?

Kim Vasquez (20:21)

I feel like most people think of service dogs as like a golden retriever or like a German shepherd, but they have like poodles, boxers, dobermans. There's a, there's an assortment.

Pauline (20:25)

German Shepherd.

Megan (20:25)

Relax.

Pauline (20:32)

Yeah. Yeah, and as a outsider, like, it never seemed to stand in her way. Like, she was doing her mom thing.

Kim Vasquez (20:40)

Yeah, cooked dinner every day, literally every single day. Still, yeah.

Pauline (20:45)

Still, still today she cooks dinner

way more than I do and way better.

Kim Vasquez (20:51)

She cleans the house. She doesn't like sitting down, so she's always doing something. She cleans the bathroom, she'll clean the whole house, does all the laundry. And even when, like, because I do my own laundry, sometimes she'll be bored and she'll be like, can I do your laundry? Sure.

Megan (21:05)

Did

your mom let you into my house? Because I've got piles in my house.

Pauline (21:12)

I will say like, it is very cool having you on the podcast because not only are you our youngest guest,

Kim Vasquez (21:20)

Hahaha

Pauline (21:21)

But you are also the one that I have known the longest.

and also care deeply for. So the fact that you get to, I mean, I could torture you and like make you tell stories for hours, but the fact that the world gets to see, one, how amazing a child of a deaf and blind parent can be.

and how strong and resilient Kim Vasquez is, is really exciting to me. So, and this young woman here with us, Megan, has graduated from high school with Honor Society, I Can't Count How Many Ribbons Hanging Around Your Neck, the Seal of Biliteracy.

What am I missing?

Kim Vasquez (22:09)

I think that's pretty much it. I did have lot of chords.

Pauline (22:12)

Yep.

She had a lot of chords.

Megan (22:14)

And you will

in a year from now as well.

Pauline (22:17)

And yeah, in a year from

now, there we go, I'm gonna cry again. I'm gonna have to crash your graduation again.

but I'll just pull the Stony Brook faculty card to get in. yeah, watching you graduate from high school, then college, and now with your master's degree, like I'm so proud of you. And I'm so glad that the world gets to meet you.

Kim Vasquez (22:29)

Ha ha ha.

Thank you. I'm going to cry.

Megan (22:45)

And this is the person on the other end of the line a lot of the times, and the person who's advocating for our clients at their insurance companies, and the person that is putting out all of our advocacy efforts. And so you do so much for so many people, people don't get to see it. We don't get to see the face. so soon they will.

Pauline (23:05)

And

she just recently met with her local legislator and advocated to get signage on her streets to protect her mom.

Megan (23:12)

Mmm.

Kim Vasquez (23:12)

Yeah, I did. Very proud of that.

Megan (23:14)

Yeah. man, that's amazing.

So Kim, if there's one thing that no mom told you, what would you say that that is?

Kim Vasquez (23:22)

It's that disabilities don't affect the quality of parenting.

You know, I grew up with a mom just like everybody else or most people. And she gave me love, support, and lessons that I will hold for a lifetime. know, disabilities aren't something that hinder you. They can sometimes enhance you.

Pauline (23:37)

What do you want to say to your mom right now if she's tuned in?

Kim Vasquez (23:40)

thank you for everything. And I would not be the person I am today if weren't for the way I was raised.

Pauline (23:46)

and I'll say thank you to her too because we get to share in that gift. Thank you Kim for being here with us today and for everybody listening. Look how wonderful Kim has turned out.

Megan (24:00)

We'll also put resources in our show notes. we touched on a few really incredible things and there are more out there. And so if somebody needs more resources or is curious about the resources out there, we'll link those in our notes.

Pauline (24:16)

Well, thank you for listening. We'll see you all next time.